When Peter first arrived, he ate with the Gentile believers, who were not circumcised. But afterward, when some friends of James came, Peter wouldn’t eat with the Gentiles anymore. He was afraid of criticism from these people who insisted on the necessity of circumcision. —Gal. 2:12
Codependency is a term used to describe interpersonal relationships in which people, either knowingly or unknowingly, use one another to get their own emotional needs met in a selfish and destructive manner. Codependency is not as much a mental health diagnosis as it is a major symptom associated with a multitude of psychological disorders. Originally, “codependent” was a term used to describe partners or families in chemically dependent relationships or in relationships involving abuse. Today, however, the term has been broadened to describe several types of destructive relationship patterns.
The codependent individual is a caretaker disguised as a caregiver. As such, he/she feels an unbalanced sense of responsibility to “take care of” and rescue [control] others by fixing their problems, in order to increase a personal sense of self-worth and acceptability. The unhealthy aspect of this dynamic is found in realizing the person being cared for is usually quite capable of caring for themselves.
In biblical language, codependency might be better rendered as “relational idolatry,” a term describing an unhealthy dependence [emotionally, socially and sometimes physically] on a person other than Christ. It can result in an obsession with another person’s behavior that leads to an inability to prioritize one’s own responsibilities and manage personal time. The person caught in relational idolatry is motivated by a goal of keeping another person happy, maintaining peace or avoiding conflict.
Relational idolatry always involves the futile attempt of having a human meet the deep needs that only God can meet. When this occurs, one often feels they cannot experience love, joy and peace unless another person’s behavior changes in a manner they believe will meet these needs. Therefore, relational idolatry is a symptom of the flesh, a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. The root feeling beneath this behavior is fear. The root message underlying such behavior is shame, i.e. “I’m not good enough” or “Something’s wrong with me”, etc. Some of the manifestations of this flesh pattern are:
· Shame and low self-worth—Feeling that you’re lacking or comparing yourself to others.
· People pleasing—Saying “No” causes you anxiety.
· Controlling—Needing to control others to feel safe and secure.
· Dysfunctional communication—Having trouble communicating thoughts, feelings and needs. You can be afraid to tell the truth for fear someone will be upset with you.
· Obsessions—Spending considerable time thinking about other people or relationships and how to help or change them.
· Dependency—Having a deep need to be liked and needed by others.
· Denial—You blame others for your problems. You also pay attention to others’ feelings and needs to the neglect of your own.
· Painful Emotions—Stress, fear, anxiety, anger, depression, hopelessness and despair.
· Enabling—Making excuses for others or ignoring bad behavior in order to protect them from adverse consequences.
· Poor Boundaries—You have blurry or weak boundaries between yourself and others. You give, give, and give of your time and possessions until you burn out.
As is the case with all flesh, the codependency problem is complicated, but God’s solution is simple. God’s way of escape from this addiction is to:
1. Break the denial and admit you have a problem. Seek counsel and mutual support through friends, groups and pastors. Get honest about your feelings and learn healthy communication skills.
2. Understand and rely on God’s trustworthiness [to meet your needs and those of others]. Choose to believe your personal worth in Christ.
3. Become willing to forgive.
4. Become able to define your responsibility and take responsibility only for yourself. Begin to give responsibility back to others, i.e. set Spirit-led boundaries.
5. Continue to depend on Christ to meet your needs, and let Him live his life through you in an expression of all the above.
As you change, others around you may not like it. If the relational idolatry was enabling them, they may try to intimidate or manipulate you back into the old patterns of behavior. They may even choose to end the relationship. It often gets worse before it gets better. But this is truth: God will never leave you nor forsake you (Heb. 13:5). The relationship He desires for you may lie on the other side of pain. Are you willing to walk through pain to experience His best?
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